Don't you love moments that are just aesthetically pleasing? Like taking a walk in the park on a nice Fall Day. You have your partner, pumpkin spice latte, and nothing goes wrong. Until it does. That thing happens again where you and your partner aren't able to communicate well, and everything becomes 'less pretty.'
I work with many couples, and couples therapy is the space where we address these types of moments. To learn from them, to show up differently. It’s not like walking in a park. In a park, the sidewalk might be in front of you, the birds are chirping, the sun is hitting your face. Peace. Content.
Sometimes couples counseling feels much different. I always appreciate using images to describe our experiences, and one couple used a creative image to describe how they experience getting stuck in their communication.
They described it as ‘The Black Hole of our Relationship.’ Geez, pretty far from a walk in the park. For them, the more we talked about how painful and difficult this place is, the more the image of black hole resonated.
For them, one thing that they kept coming back to is how alone they both end up feeling when this stuckness comes.
Here’s the tricky part, though— A lot of the time they both are actually making some kind of attempt to manage the moment in their own ways. But, the way it goes in the moment just becomes really difficult.
So what can couples do about this?
We first have to be able to be aware of the back and forth that creates the ‘Black Hole’ (often called cycle).
To do this, here’s the ‘therapy homework’ I give every couple I see in the beginning of marriage therapy, or couples counseling (this homework has been informed by The Secure Relationship by Julie Menano):
Think of a time when you felt:
Afraid your partner was disappointed with you
Controlled by your partner
Invalidated by your partner
Angry with your partner
Unsupported by your partner
Unheard by your partner
Once you have one of these feelings in your mind, ‘broaden the scope’ to think about what was happening at that time:
What was going on in your partner’s body language and/or face at the time?
What did your partner say or do right before you felt this feeling?
Did you notice any shifts in your body? (e.g. chest constriction, stomach drop, heat in hands, etc.)
What was your urge to react after they did/said ________? Defend or explain yourself? Become more critical of their behavior, or how they too get it wrong? Shut down or move on?
What did you end up doing?
If you didn’t do that thing, you’d feel what?
With all of this, what was the impact on your partner?
I always recommend my couples to lean towards owning their part of the pattern. When relationships are under distress, for some people, it can be really tempting to focus on what your partner is doing or not doing.
So it might be a bit of a different angle to reflect about all of these ways that you might contribute to the pattern.
Here’s an example of somewhat of a common pattern that couples can get stuck in (based upon several couples I work with, names changed, details not shared here):
Charlene gets upset by something her partner Frank did that ends up having her feel invalidated and/or disconnected. So Charlene protests this to Frank. Frank might try and show evidence or explain to Charlene that she doesn’t have to feel this way. Charlene feels even more invalidated, so pushes more to get this across to him, her energy picking up. The more her energy pushes to get this across, the more Frank gets frustrated. He gets frustrated that nothing he is saying is making it better or changing the situation. So he starts to shut down. When he shuts down, Charlene feels worse, and might give up, seething in anger. She’s not saying anything, but is upset, and Frank knows it. Frank too is silent, feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and helpless. Now both of them feel alone, and aren’t able to feel like they are a team at this moment. The ‘Black Hole’ sets in, with both of them feeling terrible.
If any parts of this painful pattern resonate with you and your relationship, the first step is attempting to understand more about your part, and if you can, vocalizing this to your partner.
This is a really difficult thing. Because of these cycles happening again and again, not only is it hard to address, but it likely has become a sensitive place for both people.
Many couples by the time they reach my office for couples counseling have learned to somewhat avoid these cycles by stuffing things down or under the rug. However, what couples often find (and why they end up coming to get help) is things often build up and pain gets louder.
This often can result in feeling more helpless.
How to Help Your Relationship
My hope in writing this blog is to do a few things:
If you are reading this, and parts of this resonate, I hope you feel a little bit less alone. Many couples feel like they are the only ones who struggle, and who feel this way. It’s just simply not true. Many couples struggle to communicate with each other.
I also hope that you can begin to take ownership of how you show up in your relationships. It’s tough to live ‘in the dark,’ and to keep finding ourselves not feeling as close or confident in how we relate to loved ones. You deserve to feel confident and secure in your relationship.
If you are reading this, and you aren’t sure how to navigate conflict in your relationship, I sincerely hope you reach out to someone. It can be so helpful to have a trained professional to jump into the mess with you, and to begin to help guide your relationship towards healing.
If you are interested in seeing a couples counselor, or want to learn more about the process, feel free to click the button below and I’d be happy to see if it would be helpful for you.
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